The Romance Question
Putting to rest a promise I made many years ago
This post is inspired by a prompt posted by Beyond the Veil Press. The prompt reads as follows: What do I have to offer in a romantic relationship? What do I want to receive?
A Look Into the Past…
Back in my childhood, my family and I would make the annual trek down from Buffalo to Charleston, SC to visit my grandparents.
During one of the trips (I’m not exactly sure of what year it was - 2003 seems to be the right one, as that was when my mother remarried to my stepfather, but it could have easily been a year after or prior to that), I had informed my grandmother that I would at some point marry someone of my own. This seemed innocuous enough. Little did I know then that that utterance would eventually haunt me…
At that point in my life, I was in elementary school, so the idea of a romantic relationship was very much a foreign thing. Furthermore, social interactions were definitely not my strong suit. I was very much content with learning new academic things, and not branching out socially. Part of this can be attributed to my autism (as new social situations have (and still do!) caused me stress), but also partially because my mother wanted to protect me.
Fast forward several years, to 2011. I was now in high school and in the middle of puberty, where romantic desires should begin to take hold. Plenty of my peers started to explore this realm, although my desires were essentially absent.
I say essentially here, as despite me never getting into a relationship, there were a few women that seemed interesting to me. One of these was Danica Patrick - a person that was a) already married at the time, b) significantly older than me and c) did not know who I was and thus would likely have no interest in dating me1. The other is Elise, a person that I met through the dance studio I frequented at this time. She was a few years younger than I, and I was swooned by her singing. I did talk to her a bit at the studio, but it never materialized to much.
My lack of interest to pursuing a date seemed to irk my grandmother a good bit, as she was wondering when I would find a girlfriend. I’d respond with “I’m not sure,” and then she’d remind me of the promise I made. I would then retort back that “I’m more focused on my studies than social relations”, but then she'd harp on my mother, urging me to become more independent, and that I was using my autism as an excuse. This probably tired my mother more than me, but, thinking about it now, it irks me. Why would one try to rush me in my desires, particularly one that I announced years ago? Did I still want that now?
This pressure persisted into college up until my mother's death. Still, I focused on my studies - attempting to minimize the amount of social interaction that I did in person.
After my mother's death I began to open up a bit with regards to interacting with people. It was a slow process, and even now I feel like I am catching up with the rest of my peers; a large number of whom are married or engaged.2
During this process I've really thought about the purpose of a relationship, and what sort of qualifications I would like for a potential mate. I eventually realized that a true romantic relationship isn't what I want, but rather a deep friendship.
Enough drivel! What about the question?
Yes, I should get on with the prompt's questions.
To answer this, I should make it clear: I don't have any interest in an intimate relationship. Sex is not something that I care about, or even something that I really need.3 What I care more about is whether a close, long term relationship will be mutually beneficial for both of us.
What would such a relationship entail?
Our interests should be aligned reasonably well. They don’t need to be exactly the same, per se, but broadly speaking we should agree.
There is a desire for both parties to live together.
The strengths of each person complement each other's weaknesses. As an example, I can cook reasonably well. If the person that I’m with doesn’t cook much, then I’m willing to take the role of cooking, or, even better, share my skill to the other person so they can improve. On the other hand, cleaning isn’t exactly my strong suit4. This is where my partner can step in to assist me.
We should both be willing to explore new things - whether that would be travelling to different places, or learning new skills, or even reading about different things.
We should respect our personal space. In particular, I’d prefer for our personal belongings to be separate - my stuff in my room, and their stuff in their room. Of course, we can have stuff that we can both use - these can be found in the common areas of our home.
In addition to respecting personal space, we should respect each other for whatever differences we do have. These include, but not limited to, physical differences, neurologic differences, and differences in our beliefs/thoughts5.
I think these are reasonable asks for such a relationship.
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About the closest I got to Danica was during the 2010 IndyCar race at Watkins Glen - there was a long line for her autograph before the race, and I didn’t want to wait that long. There was a few other females racing in that race that I did get autographs from, though - Milka Duno and Simona de Silvestro.
I'll detail the process in a future post. Part of the process was slowed because of my more or less sheltered childhood, as I detailed above.
Granted, sex is a biological process and is critical for the survival of any species (including humans). However, it is not required to live.
I suppose this means I have come out as “ace” or asexual. And I am perfectly okay with that!
I can clean, given a prompt to do so. Without a prompt, I’d rather keep the room as is as it’s easier for me to find stuff when it is not perturbed.
Within reason in regards to beliefs/thoughts - for instance, I would not want to be in a relationship with a Nazi or someone that believes that a certain class of individuals should not exist.
Partnerships are ordered from a menu. If they happen you are very fortunate. Sometimes a solid roommate is priceless.